- 19 April 2021
- Posted by: Erkan Sarıkaya
- Category: AGILE
Don’t Help!
Helping Each Other
A few years ago, my mind wandered during a training session, and I drew this on a piece of paper…
Many times in my work and personal life, I’ve experienced how hard these verbs can be to put into practice.
- Our struggles with “Asking for Help”: we’re at the end of our rope, yet still we don’t (can’t) ask for that support.
- Our search for “trust” and “sincerity” behind “Helping”
- Is it a test of how sincere the care and love are, or is it that “Waiting for Help” state of ours?
- Can you genuinely “Receive Help” from someone else, without brushing it off?
- Do you rush straight to help without “asking if help is needed”? Tsk… tsk… tsk… If only you’d asked. Maybe they didn’t really need help.
A Neighbor Needs Even a Neighbor’s Ashes
A NEIGHBOR NEEDS EVEN A NEIGHBOR’S ASHES
Did you know that many trade-related sayings were born in Safranbolu, a town on the old trade routes; that in the Blacksmiths’ Bazaar, the only surviving guild, master blacksmiths and coppersmiths work in shops right next to one another; and that the saying “A neighbor needs even a neighbor’s ashes” is one of these, a present-day echo of the thoughtfulness of the master blacksmith who, rather than throwing away the ashes left from the fire he used to shape iron, saved them for his neighbor the coppersmith to clean and polish copper before tinning it?
Anyone seen their neighbor lately? 😉 Sayings certainly don’t come from nowhere. Needing ashes arose from a need. Needs stem either from a problem or from a desire. A purpose. When help turns into real benefit, it becomes a beautiful habit, like the saying here, and inspires us for generations.
Helping, and being able to help, is wonderful. There are just 3 questions we need to think about and ask ourselves before helping:
- What is the problem or need?
- Does such a problem/need really exist?
- Do you want to solve it?
“Ask if help is needed” before you “help”!
We know that agile teams take on responsibilities for work/tasks through a pull system (PULL). We also know that there’s no longer such a thing as quietly finishing a piece of work on your own… We prepare as we go, we rough out a design, then we look for someone to show it to. Will it be accepted? Can it be enriched with different ideas? There’s always a better way. In fact, I say that if the final output surprises you, that’s when you’ve improved, you’ve succeeded. So you’re not alone. Be a team.
That’s why we hold Reviews and gather Feedback.
At short intervals, one small shovelful at a time, we carry value to the customer. All this effort is to find something better, isn’t it?
You started the work/task, but what happened? As a team, WE FINISHED it. Who does success belong to? Those who manage to be a team.
If we’re on a journey from “Me” to “Us”, “Help” is a must. If I asked, nobody would have a problem. Everyone’s helpful… everyone’s dying to find someone to help… And that’s exactly where there might be a problem.
While trying to help, you may actually be denying them the opportunity to grow. When you prescribe solutions, you may be denying them the chance to think, to create, to make mistakes.
Don’t insist on helping someone who doesn’t need help! Ask first!
Maybe the person is happily swimming. And you’re throwing them a life ring…
I’ve made this mistake many times myself, and I still do. It might be a habit I picked up from my father. I still remember how he kept insisting that guests at our home have something to eat.
Making others happy by helping them — could it be that it makes you the happiest of all? Could these acts be mostly for yourself? Or do you help because you’re selfish? Whoa, look where the topic has wandered 😉
Still, ask before you help. “Do you need help?”
The reverse is also true:
Don’t wait for help; if you need it, ask for help!
“Uncle Hasan, I wouldn’t be shy. This is my home too. If I were hungry, I’d ask and I’d eat”
I’m waiting for help. Let’s see who’s considerate.
“They’re not blind… they know my situation”
“Hasn’t called in ages. Forgot about us”
It’s not what you say that matters. What you mean — the reason behind it — is already shouting… Just as when lightning strikes, the light arrives before the sound…
When I observe teams, I often come across situations like these:
- – (Me): “Great idea, have you ever talked about this?”
- – Ahmet : “My manager has never had a one-on-one with me, never asked for my ideas”
- – Manager : “No, he never comes to me and shares anything”
Everyone’s waiting 😉 The manager wants the team members to share and bring new, innovative ideas, which the manager can then support. The employee wants the manager to come to them first and check in on them, so they can share their ideas, wishes and suggestions.
Who do you think should go first? Is that really the question now, Erkan 🙂
The moment a need arises, everyone should reach out to one another. They should. Don’t wait, in other words…
To make it easier to reach out to one another, psychological safety is essential.
I don’t (can’t) accept help. Because…
Here’s another situation I’ve observed many times. The person is very helpful, great. You go, you ask for support, they help instantly, guide you. They spend their time, their hours, on you. Wonderful…
But then you want to help them. They absolutely won’t accept it, or they don’t (can’t) accept that help. They won’t let themselves be indebted. They refuse.
Could any of these be the reason?
- They don’t want to owe you.
- Distrust. A sense of being taken advantage of.
- The feeling of inadequacy, of weakness, is killing them.
- They prefer to be independent.
- Never depend on anyone.
- Shyness
Now that’s selfishness! Making others happy while depriving them of that same joy.
It may be precisely because of this that we’ve given up “asking if help is needed”. = Fear of Rejection.
In short:
If there is someone waiting for help, who needs help and has asked for help, then ask which help options would work for them, and if they accept the help, help them.
Those who need help but, for various reasons, don’t (can’t) ask — if they’re truly in need, you can still help them. You just have to think about the best way to help. Perhaps indirectly…
| Waiting for Help | Inner voice: “Ugh… how am I going to do this?” “They never called me…” “How am I going to get through this?” “I don’t know…” |
| Asking for Help | “Help!” “Help!” “I’d like some support.” |
| Asking About Help | “How can I help you?” “Could you support me?” |
| Helping | “What do you need?” “What about this?” “Wait, let me help you.” |
| Receiving Help | “Yes, please!” “How can I do this?” “Thanks for your support” |
I wonder if I was able to help? 😉
Enterprise Agile Coach
Erkan Sarıkaya
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Author: Erkan Sarıkaya — Enterprise Agile Coach, founder of GONEX. He writes about enterprise agile transformation, Scrum and agile leadership coaching. You can learn more on the About Us page and read his other posts.